dragonright.

It's any other day for me. Josh and I went out to lunch at Wendy's. We did errands together - car tag renewal; Josh needed to renew his license, too. I picked up some groceries, mailed some presents to my cousin and my sister.

I came home.
Loaded Facebook.
And suddenly I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

Today is the 28th anniversary of the Challenger shuttle exploding.

I hadn't realized.
Hadn't noticed.

I wish I could say I feel a huge amount of empathy for those who lost their lives; for the people whose lives were forever changed. And I do. I just have a hard time looking past my own personal tragedy.

During the 11'oclock news on January 28th, 1986, my biological father got up and answered the phone and talked to my mother, who was at work. I should have been in bed; I was only just barely six years old. My birthday had been almost exactly two months before. But I remember turning from where I was laying on the floor in the living room, and looking at the TV. I saw the shuttle explode. I think I remember hearing screaming - I can't make myself watch YouTube videos of the explosion to confirm.

I can't, because after my biological dad got off the phone, he came back and joined me on the floor.
He was naked.
I was naked.
And that night I lost a lot more than my innocence.

I don't know if my abuse happened that night. Maybe it was one of the early anniversaries. My gut tells me I was only six, and mention of the Challenger is a trigger for me. It's burned into my brain.

Don't get me wrong: I am not in pieces. I am not curled up in a corner wanting to know why the fuck this happened to me, why a parent could do such a thing. He's no parent, and shit happens to everyone. I'm just... a little numb. I'm always numb.

But every year I get punched in the face by the memory of the Challenger, I am heavy.
I want to yell and scream and let go of that numbness.
I want to cry.

But I won't give him the satisfaction.

Change the colors of this thing.

I've been obsessing about My Fitness Pal for a good week now and I haven't been updating my journal unless I'm bitching/whining about how hungry I am (I'm really not) or I'm uploading icons to my DW. :)

Things Have Been Happening, though. Last week Josh and I had to go to the ER together. He'd been in intense pain and had some heavy bleeding to deal with, and he couldn't take it anymore. Turns out those unwanted body parts had a cyst that ruptured. He goes to see an OB-GYN next Thursday to see if he can get it removed, since ovarian cancer runs in his family (his mom had it).

Here's where I gently remind people that Josh is a transsexual, and still has his female parts that he wants to get rid of.

Uhm.. then 2 days after he had his ER visit, mom went to the doctor. Dr. Go is still ridiculously handsome, still funny, and I adore the ground he walks on. Mom's got an angiogram scheduled for mid-April to check to see how her leg by-pass is working.

And then on Saturday there was, of course, the Columbus St. Patrick's Day Parade. Or, as I like to call it, BITCH I'M IRISH YOU'RE INTERRUPTING THE DRUMS.

I did not actually say that to anyone in the area, though I thought it a lot. This one woman would not shut her mouth and she was one of the rudest women I've ever seen in public. :o She didn't have an internal censor. Anything she didn't like or approve of she let you know.

There was this gorgeous Irish Wolfhound there, and she tried to bully his owners so they'd leave. Didn't happen, thank Goodness, but I seriously wanted to Say Something. In audible caps.

Nothing more exciting is happening. I'm past my Issues in the new weight loss endeavor, and I'm exercising now. Eh. What more is there to say?

On the 3rd of April I've got my first doctor's appointment in ... years. Literally, it's been years since I've been to a doctor. Dr. Turner already unofficially diagnosed me with diabetes (like we didn't know this already) and she's told me I need to stop drinking soda, and limit the bad things that I love so, so desperately.

I found myself in there making excuses. I kept saying that I'd be prepared to do anything I needed to do to make sure I don't have to take insulin shots. "You will be, or are you?" she asked, and yeah. I think I'm still thinking of it.. as something I have to deal with in the future, instead of right now. All I'm really doing is lip service. So I am, even though I keep getting noises of 'ahmagad, fooooood. soooodaa' in my head. When it's just an idea, it's totally okay. Implementing it is the scary part.

Mom had a mammogram on Tuesday, and today the office called. She has to go back in tomorrow at 1 to get an ultrasound, I think it is, to see what they found. Chances are it's just the fibrous cysts she's had in the past, but I think we're all a little worried. On top of that she's getting a cold, and that's never good for anyone.

And on top of everything else, I almost forgot to make mom's birthday cake. Sheesh.

Here there be quotes!

A nice huge depository of them. Check the comments - they're updated whenever I come across one I like/love/cannot do without.

Enjoy!

I thought I'd keep a list of books I've read in 2012, and possibly attempt that 50 books a year thing. I'll keep this page updated.






LAST UPDATED: 4/30/12

January

1. Before I Go to Sleep by S.J. Watson
2. 2012 Witches' Companion by Llywellyn
3. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie
4. The Dragon Keeper's Handbook: Including the Myth & Mystery, Care & Feeding, Life & Lore of these Fiercely Splendid Creatures by Shawn MacKenzie
5. Meditation on the Nature of Mind by XIV, Dalai Lama
6. Proven Guilty (The Dresden Files, #8) by Jim Butcher

February

7. White Knight (The Dresden Files, #9) by Jim Butcher
8. Happy Birthday (The Dresden Files, #9.1) by Jim Butcher (I'm not counting these as full books)
9. Small Favor (The Dresden FIles, #10) by Jim Butcher
10. Harry's Day Off (The Dresden Files, #10.1) by Jim Butcher
11. Back Up (The Dresden Files, #10.2) by Jim Butcher
12. The Warrior (The Dresden Files, #10.3) by Jim Butcher
13. Turn Coat (The Dresden Files, #11) by Jim Butcher
14. The Furies of Calderon (Codex Alera #1) by Jim Butcher

March

15. Breakdown (V.I. Warshawski #15) by Sara Paretsky
16. 77 Shadow Street by Dean Koontz
17. Haunted Columbus, OH by Nellie Kampmann
18. Just a Guy: Notes From A Blue Collar Guy by Bill Engvall, Alan Eisenstock
19. Scrambled Eggs at Midnight by Brad Barkley and Heather Hepler
20. Don't Sleep With A Bubba: Unless Your Eggs Are In Wheelchairs by Susan Reinhart


April

21. Drop Dead Beautiful by Jackie Collins
22. 50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion by Daniele Bolelli
23. Lunch in Paris: A Love Story, with Recipes by Elizabeth Bard
24. Cooking in everyday English : the ABCs of great flavor  by Todd English
25. Goddesses A World of Myth and Magic by Burleigh Muten
26. The Magdalena Curse by F.G. Cottam
27. Academ's Fury (Codex Alera #2) by Jim Butcher

I think my house is haunted, ya'll.

And I'm mildly creeped out. It's not a scary sort of haunting. At least, it's not yet. I keep getting glimpses of movement out the corner of my eyes, anything from white shapes to dark shapes, and anything in between. But I'm used to that sort of thing; I've had 'Spirit Guides' for years now. When I lived in SC, the house we lived on was haunted by the man who'd lived and died in it before we moved in. His name was Tom and my daughter wished I'd brought him with us to Ohio.

But nothing so blatant, you know?

Tonight I was sitting in the living room, in front of the computer, when mom turned on the stairwell light. She goes up, goes to the bathroom, and about two minutes later, I see something walk down. Something with a head and shoulders. It was hazy and I couldn't make out the features, but it definitely was there. I thought it was mom, but when I moved to say something to her, no one was there. (The stairwell can be seen above my monitor. I moved my head to the side and I didn't see anyone.)

Before that, I'd gone to the bathroom. I was sitting on the toilet, the door closed, when I heard the creepy sound of one of the doors opening in the hallway. I thought it was either my mom's door, or mine and Josh's. I then heard what sounded like Raven's cat collar, so I figured she'd opened the door and I'd heard her bells. And then when I get back downstairs, there's Raven. Kelly says she'd been downstairs the whole time. Since we've got 3 other cats, it could've been one of  them. I explain this to Josh, Mom, and Kelly, and Kelly's excited now to think we've got ~spirits~. She wants to name him/her Tom, which I vetoed. Because if your name isn't Tom, would YOU want some munchkin calling you Tom? Of course not!

Mom already knew this, because we'd discussed that possibility when Kelly and Josh were out of the house.

Josh went to bed, and as I was walking upstairs to go to the bathroom again, he called my name. He's sleeping in mom's room because we still haven't got the beds from his mom's house, and mom's the only one with beds at the moment.

"Which door did you hear open?"
"I dunno. I was thinking it was this one, but maybe not." I experimentally pull on the door, and while there's a little bit of a creek, it's not the same sort of noise. "Maybe it was ours.." That would even make more sense, because our bedroom is at the top of the stairs, and it's the closest to the bathroom.

Sure enough, it was. LOL. He didn't say that he heard anything, or felt anything (or saw anything!) but I wonder.

And finally, I was back at the computer, and I found myself getting creeped out, and I couldn't figure out why. I wasn't reading anything scary, but I kept feeling like someone was watching me, from the darkened dining room. I couldn't shake the feeling, so I ended up turning on a light, and later the TV.

Things are better now. I think I could actually get to sleep without trying to strain my eyes to see something that isn't there.

[Error: unknown template qotd] A couple of people have echoed stories from Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark - and when I was a youngling, oh, they scared me. The pictures are fantastically gruesome looking as well. They're still a ton of fun, and to this day I love those books because they aren't lightweight little books for little kids.


Also, when I was .. maybe in the 9th grade, I read (I think) The Haunted. At the time, it scared the bleedin' hell out of me so much I couldn't even finish reading it - I kept thinking a demon would rush my bathroom and hallway and do unmentionable things to me if I closed my eyes, so I stopped reading it. Being the kinda girl I am now, I should pick it up. I find it mildly amusing that the family is still living on the property - and honestly, I think the Warrens are full of shit.

Aside from those two titles, ghost stories in general don't scare me. I love a good ghost story, and make it a point to watch or read anything I can get my hands on about them.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't scare myself but good sometimes. I remember fairly recently (within the last year) that I was roused out of sleep by this ancient woman just staring at me. She wasn't glaring or saying anything, but there was hatred radiating from her. I freaked the fuck out, and grabbed protection - I reached for my cellphone, flipped it open, and shone it's light to where the creepy old hag was - and she wasn't there. Now, I know that people I'm ..er.. familiar with like to scare me, so I don't know if the hag was a figment of my imagination (a dream) or something else entirely. The ghost that DOES reside here, Tom, died in the hallway (and I've heard him moving around, coming to my door .. he's even knocked a time or two.)

But yes. We loves the ghosties, and only creepy old bats scare me.

... I do think it's mildly embarassing that I reach for a stupid cellphone to protect me! 
(Maybe I'm addicted to my cellphone?)

• 12:12 @eiluned Are the burgers from In-and-Out as good as they say? They're like.. burger gods at places like lj's food_porn. #
• 12:14 Today? I totally don't care about wearing make up. Here's hoping no sexy beast walks in @ work today. Except Met, but he sees me w/o already #
• 13:30 Hello Mother Earth? It's FALL. Get with the cooler temps, pls. It's 80 outside! #
• 16:07 Haha, Bpal is making Sterling smell good! #
• 16:39 OMG bored! I want txts damnit! #

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UPDATED 6.8.11 FULL BOTTLES WANTED:

LILITH
SHADOW WITCH ORCHID
HAUNTED
HECATE
NOCTURNE
MONSTER BAIT: CLOSET
CATHERINE
NEO TOKYO
BAGHDAD
MOROCCO
ASPHODEL
BESS 
DRACUL
SNOW GLASS APPLES